BREAKING: Wally Head declines mutual option, will become free agent

BOSTON, MA — Another big figure in Major League baseball has elected free agency.

The Wally Head, worn by Red Sox players after they hit home runs in the 2025 season, has declined its mutual option to remain with the Boston Red Sox in 2026, Over the Monster reports. It will join the free agency pool, along with many other less notable names in the league, including Alex Bregman, Alec Bohm, Kyle Tucker, and Pete Alonso. Wally the Green Monster, meanwhile, is expected to stay with the Red Sox organization, along with his sister Tessie, and their parents, who emerge from the ether on Mother and Father’s Day.

Agent Scott Boras — who represents the Wally Head because he represents every single hot-shot individual in baseball for some reason — commented on the decision, stating to the media, “We look forward to exploring the Wally Head’s options for the 2026 season. Teams should be mindful of the potential the Wally Head brings to the game as a wearer of many hats.”

Sports analysts and media members speculate that the Wally Head will seek $250 million for three years, though it’s unclear what type of environment he’ll be looking for: a team that hits more home runs, so he can be worn more frequently, or with a team with less power, so that he won’t have to deal with the sweaty dirty grimy unwashed heads of the players that he sits on. The Yankees, Phillies, and Blue Jays are potential landing spots for the first option, especially given the financial ask the Wally Head is expected to make. If he opts for the second path, the Royals may be the only team with a lower home run rate that would be willing to spend the money, along with the Red Sox themselves, who are partially obligated to listen to offers as the Wally Head is directly associated with their branding.

The Wally Head declined to comment, as it cannot speak.