I regret to inform you the Miami Dolphins are cooked

The warning signs were there. Tua Tagovailoa's average pass distance in 2024 dropped to a career low. Tyreek Hill walked off the field in protest. Players balked at joint preseason practices with the Chicago Bears in which the Bears were playing too much football.

Still, lingering optimism existed at the start of the Miami Dolphins' 2025 NFL season. Then they got boat raced by Daniel Jones and the Indianapolis Colts. If it wasn't clear before, it was laid bare in Week 1. The Dolphins are capital-b Bad.

How Bad? Bad enough to earn six first downs in their first five drives. Bad enough to make Daniel Jones look like an MVP candidate.

Bad enough to lose their opener, 33-8 in a game sportsbooks had pegged as a toss-up before kickoff. The Dolphins didn't score a single point before the Colts effectively lit their victory cigars, turning the offense over to fifth round rookie tailback DJ Giddens in the fourth quarter. He still ran for 41 yards and Indianapolis scored 10 points despite everyone in the stadium knowing Indianapolis only wanted to grind the clock down and get home safe.

This, somehow, fails to capture the malaise that has gripped a franchise that's averaged more than nine wins per season in three years under head coach Mike McDaniel. McDaniel's saving grace had been an offense that could theoretically hang with anyone behind a healthy Tua Tagovailoa. No team in the NFL gained more yards than Miami in 2023. He was 8-5 with Tagovailoa in the lineup in 2022 in a season where the left QB led the league in passer rating before missing the team's playoff bid due to injury.

Tagovailoa is healthy, but the deep game that once powered him is gone. He and the Dolphins offense floundered behind a wildly predictable passing attack. Miami started off the game throwing short and to the right; seven of Tagovailoa's first 11 throws came within 10 yards of the line of scrimmage and across the left-handed passer's body. That made it easy for the Colts to crowd the area, dropping pass rushers into the zone to create static. It wasn't especially clever or even well disguised.

And yet!

LATUUUUUUUUU

???? CBS pic.twitter.com/zm4leE91Fr— Indianapolis Colts (@Colts) September 7, 2025

Through three quarters, Tagovailoa had dropped back to pass 21 times. Those 21 passing plays resulted in 74 net yards, three sacks, three turnovers and zero points. He'd completed two-thirds of his passes in that span, but only three of his completions for the day traveled at least 10 yards downfield. Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle averaged 185 combined receiving yards per game in 2023. On Sunday, they combined for eight catches and 70 yards.

This could have been survivable had the defense shown up. That is not what happened. Daniel Jones, cast off by the New York Giants (and replaced by Russell Wilson, a man the Denver Broncos paid $75 million simply to stop showing up), played one of the best games of his uneven career despite throwing three fourth quarter passes. He ran in two touchdowns and added a third through the air. These were not especially difficult plays to make.

what a dime.

????CBS pic.twitter.com/vWxFAVr9yF— Indianapolis Colts (@Colts) September 7, 2025

Minkah Fitzpatrick's return to Florida wasn't enough to lift a questionable secondary. Jones threw for 272 yards on 29 attempts. Tyler Warren, a rookie tight end at a position that typically has a steep learning curve, broke free for seven catches and 76 yards on nine targets. Jonathan Taylor was kept relatively in check, finishing his day with fewer than four yards per carry and a negative expected points added (EPA) on the ground. This did not matter, because the Dolphins were repeatedly roasted by Daniel by-god Jones.

This is anathema to McDaniel's job security. Three seasons and zero playoff wins had warmed his seat coming into 2025. Now it's red hot and there are few answers he can employ to fix things. Hill's yards per route run were ripped in half last season, signaling what could be the beginning of the end for a 31-year-old speed merchant. Waddle's efficiency dropped precipitously without the threat of Hill over the top, leading to his least productive season as a pro in 2023 and suggesting he's topped out as a complementary piece rather than as a true WR1. De'Von Achane had 37 of his 75 total yards in garbage time.

The offense will remain mediocre. The defense looks lost. The Dolphins have 16 more games in the 2025 season. The capacity to turn things around is there.

But based on what we saw Sunday -- a predictable, now-impact offense and a gashable, ineffective defense -- the Miami Dolphins will not. Barring a remarkable improvement, this is going to be a long season in south Florida.

This article originally appeared on For The Win: I regret to inform you the Miami Dolphins are cooked